Follow the Instructions Zann

I have learned a valuable lesson tonight.
Read the instructions. Now it isn't like I haven't learned this lesson many times in my lifetime but for some reason I seem to be convinced that my way is going to be better than what whomever wrote the instruction had thought of.

Case in Point: Fun Dip.
I had never had Fun Dip before. But DH won an Easter Basket at a get together we went to Easter weekend. And inside that basket were all kinds of retro and modern candies - including Fun Dip. Being the good husband he is, he split his bounty with me. I got sweettarts and M&Ms and he got the Laffy Taffy, and a few other treats. All that has been left was a pack of Fun Dip. He didn't particularly want it and in a moment of sugar craving tonight I decided I would take care of it.

I know how you are suppose to eat it. You are suppose to lick the little candy stick and stick it into the sugary goodness in the pouch and lick it off then repeat until your stick and sugary goodness are gone. Well that wasn't going fast enough for my liking. So I ate the stick. Then I just licked my finger to get the sugary goodness. It tastes just like the stuff in Pixi Stix! And I love me some Pixi Stix. So I dipped my finger in there several times. Apparently, there is a reason they give you a candy stick. It is because if you use your finger you end up with dyed finger.

Yup. I've got a green index finger right now. If only I had used my thumb. So far it is not coming off. But we will see. If I can't get it off - this will be an interesting thing to explain at work tomorrow.

Chapter 3: For Better or Worse

Clarence and I continued in TAG and the Arts Guild in general for years. (I'm not sure we ever paid our dues either FW - I was never good at keeping up with it - in fact I had forgotten there even were dues until you mentioned it- some president I was, huh? ;)- but I'm sure I was all about it back then. I was very much a rule follower.) During Dirty Work as the Crossroads Clarence started dating one of the leading guys from the play. His name was Former. We had gotten to be pretty good friends with him during the shows and through TAG meetings. We still weren't really old enough to date, so I actually accompanied them on their first date so her parents wouldn't get mad. We went to see Robin Hood: Men In Tights. We of course had to meet at the theater being dropped off by our parents because none of us were driving without permits yet. We thought we were late so when we didn't see him in the lobby we decided to go on in the theater to see if we could find him. The previews had already started and neither of us could see a thing. We were trying to find a seat while we let our eyes adjust. She went one way and I went the other.. I accidentally put my hand on some guy's bear back and dropped to the floor of the theater in embarrassment. Mean while I saw her talking to a guy who looked like he had long hair and motion me over. I thought "is Former wearing a wig?" - which actually didn't seem to out of character if it had been true - he was a bit of a jokester like that. But I went over and it was not Former. She introduced me to him as "Thumper". Seriously, that isn't a pseudonym like the rest of the names I've been using, that's really what he went by. She apparently had met him at TAG some night while I had been sick. He offered her the three seats next to him. So we sat down, Thumper, then Clarence and then me - still looking for the real Former. Finally we see him come in the theater and motion for him. Of course this was Clarence's date so she wants to sit next to him so then it becomes Former, Clarence, then me and then Thumper. We watch the movie and I of course kind of watch my friend and her suitor to make sure he is treating her right. He had already made the mistake of being late - I was making sure he was making up for it. Three quarters of the way through the movie he finally takes her hand. I smile. And then Thumper took my hand and my smile faded and panic started. I didn't know Thumper from Adam's housecat. I spent the rest of the movie trying to figure out the proper way to handle the situation. As soon as the movie was over I stood up and dropped his hand and luckily Clarence and former took the psychotic eye signal toward the door seriously and they got up without hesitation too. We were walking out, Thumper close on my heals, "how old are you anyway?" he asked , I told him the truth and he answered "Too bad, we could have had something beautiful together" I restrained my laughter and just said curtly "I have to make a phone call." Clarence and Former quickly followed me to the phone and we made sure he was gone before we moved away from the telephone. For a long while Clarence apologized for that day, but now it is really funny to think back on. I mention the story here out of curiosity as to whether FW, Art or Did remember Thumper. I never saw him at TAG after that, thankfully. I wasn't happy at the time but it makes for a fun story now.

A few months later Former and Clarence had an amicable break-up, and we went on to date a few other guys, I dated an older guy much to my parents' dismay, and she dated two guys from school and somewhere in there I had my week's worth of dating Pedro - which did not go well. We were not compatible in the least. He was nice enough but we just didn't share many interests. One day I was arguing on the phone with him and Clarence asked to speak to him. Her first words to him were "Bite Me." And a romance was begun, much to my surprise. She asked me how I would feel about it. It was fine with me at least in the beginning.

The last play Clarence and I worked on together was Babes In Arms I didn't even want to try out for it because it was a musical, but Clarence talked me into it. I was pretty miserable in my part, but the company was good. It was a little sad though because it was the first play after my first wave of friends graduated. FW had just left for IL. Other friends were beginning to scatter. Did was there, though. There was also a little guy there whom I will call "Barney" because he looked a bit like Barney Rubble to me. He was head over heels for Clarence. He proposed to her complete with diamond ring backstage. She was happily seeing Pedro, she told him "no". It was one of those jaw-dropping moments. But once Pedro found out he didn't want her to perform anymore. He was a bit possessive back then.

It was long after that play that I Former finally won me over and we started dating. It was our Jr. Year of high school. I remember walking into history class one day - right after Christmas break and Clarence turning to me and excitedly showing me another diamond ring. This one was from Pedro, they planned to marry that summer. I told her she was crazy - she was only 17!. That didn't go over well. But after a while we both calmed down. I accepted that she was going to do this, and as much as I disliked Pedro at the time, I tried my best to be happy for her. Part of me I think was jealous that she wasn't waiting so that we could hit those milestones together. Our jobs and our boy friends and the emotions came between us a bit that year. Former and I attended her wedding in June. It was an unusual but sweet wedding. The preacher kept calling Pedro by the wrong name. And some little kid kept kicking the back of my chair. Clarence's sister was her only bridesmaid and her brother their only groomsman. I regret now, that I didn't take a single picture. Actually I didn't take many pictures at all back then and I thoroughly regret that now.

I was not surprised the next year when she called me one afternoon to tell me she was pregnant. We were in the same English class that year, we were looking forward to graduation. She was going to graduate with honors. But now she was due in April a the pregnancy proved to be a rough one. She had horrible morning sickness - which really was all day sickness for about the first four months of her pregnancy. Enough to knock her out of school. They requested for her to be put on homebound. We knew many girls who were pregnant who were, but because she was married they refused. I didn't like the guidance counselor at our school before, but after that I have never been able to say a nice word about the woman. So Clarence ended up dropping out of school the last half of her senior year. The next year I left for college and Clarence went back and finished high school. I can't tell you how proud I was of her for that. She could have just given up and maybe gotten her GED, but instead she held her head high and went back and finished her honors diploma with a new baby in tow. She officially received her diploma in 1997, but on the record she was able to be a member of the class of 96. :) I truly admired her for that.

I had my first experience at an ultrasound with Clarence before Wildchild was born. It was a beautiful thing. Maybe that is why I have such a special bond with her. Life was quite a struggle for her those first few years, she and Pedro fought a lot, Wildchild was colicky, bills had to be paid, work was causing her health problems...but Clarence persevered. At one point in 1999 I listened to Pedro put her down and get possessive on the phone with her while we were on a road trip. I asked her then why she stayed with him. She said she loved him and that she made a promise to God in her vows.

I'm happy to say that Pedro made a complete turn around. He stopped being so possessive, he compliments Clarence more, and has turned out to be really good at remodeling. He and I are even good friends now. And he and Clarence are happier than I have ever seen them. And they are doing their best to raise their children in a loving Christian home. He has become one of the best encouragers of our friendship. When she is down he will sometimes tell her - why don't you call Zann. He makes an effort to make conversation with DH when we visit and they both get along well. When they first got married I thought for sure he would be the thing that would break our friendship, but lo and behold God used him to make our friendship even stronger.

Each year I visit Clarence and each year she makes a trip to visit me. I'm hoping that Wildchild in the next year or two will find a friend like I found and have just as many adventures and discover new friends along the way just as we did.

And that my dears is tale of Zann and Clarence. There are more tales of the adventures of these two but that gets you up to speed.

Chapter 2: Enter Stage Right

The above picture is from about the time frame that we started in this group. I don't mind posting that here because neither Clarence nor I look much like that these days. I'm the one on the right.

I can't remember if I've mentioned or not that I'm working with FW on pulling together a reunion right now. It was her idea but I kind of stole it and ran with it. It will be a reunion of people who played a huge role in my life. That isn't the reason they are reuniting - but they were all part of that Teen Acting Group my mother suggested Clarence and I try. It has been 10 to 12 years since I've seen most of them. I'm really hoping people actually show up. I ran with FW's idea because she mentioned it around the time we had just turned down the invitations to DH's high school reunion. His reason for not wanting to go was that he didn't hang out with anyone in his graduating class - all his friends were either older or younger than him. I kind of feel the same way- most of my friends were either older or younger as well. This is the year for my high school reunion but rather than go to that I would much rather reunite with all those older and younger friends that I hold in so much higher esteem.

I'm guessing you figured out that Clarence and I went to the group that my mom suggested. I believe the meetings were held on Tuesdays or Thursdays.. I'm leaning toward Tuesdays... but I don't really remember. I also don't remember what happened our first day there. I have lots of memories of different meetings when all the people were still pretty new to us... but I'm not sure which one was the first. It could be the day that we made paper mache puppets- that is the first day Farmwife singled herself out in my mind. I believe because she recognized me from church and said something about it. I remember thinking how hyper and funny she was. She and Did together could have been a stand up routine. I made a dragon and Clarence made a person, neither was very good- they both kind of looked wads of painted newspaper on a toiletpaper roll, but I kept mine for years because it reminded me of the event. I remember a night of "trust games" - that actually may have been our first day there. I remember Clarence and I excitedly talking about how much fun that was, and what was more we felt excepted there. This was a big thing. I had gone through the entirety of junior high feeling a bit like an outcast and so had Clarence- we were our own little clique. We didn't have the money to be preppy, we were too much of nice girls to be hoods, we were smart but not smart enough to really be considered nerds, we sure weren't jocks - Clarence probably could have been, but her parents kept her from joining organized sports, due to transportation issues, we just didn't seem to have a group to fit in -until we went there.

When we came in they had already cast the summer production "Much Ado About Murder", so we got assigned to the rolls of usher/concession worker. Both Did and FW were in the play. It was an audience participation play and so we spent more time with the actors than we probably would have otherwise.For a long time we were the youngest there.
And though I cannot remember exactly how events transpired anymore, I remember somehow getting roped into joining the Teen Board of directors - and Clarence and I ended up as publicity officers, Or rather publicity officer and Ass. publicity officer. That became quite a joke between us. The ass bit I mean. It was never decided which of us was the assistant. Did was president, and I know FW was on the board but not sure what position she held. We also got involved in small plays put on for the library and for when they built the new playground the local park. Eventually we even tried out and got roles in later plays. It became an addiction. But more over I think it was so addictive for the wonderful feeling of belonging somewhere.

Clarence and I continued with the theater group - she for 3 years and myself for 5. I'll get to why she quit in the next chapter. But now that I have started this, and the memories are rushing forward each with their hand raised yelling "pick me! pick me!" I'm not sure how I'm ever going to make this a readable length in the format I have going on now so I'm going to switch gears for a minute and tell you about memories of each of these blogging girls the way I remember them.

I don't think they realized it, but to me and Clarence Did and Farmwife and later Art were "the cool kids". They were older, they were wilder - but they weren't so wild that they were scary. They were creative and talented. We admired them. I still do.

Farmwife and I started talking more at church once we recognized each other. She became a very strong spiritual influence on me though I don't think she realized it at the time. I had already accepted Christ, but as many teenagers do I was questioning everything, including faith. She was a constant encouragement. When she graduated she gave me Teen's Topical Bible with scripture underlined and handwritten notes written especially to and for me. It was one of the most precious gifts I had ever received from anyone. I still have it, though it's cover is quite worn - it got a lot of use over the years. I remember her in hats. She was the only person in the world who I thought could really pull off wearing a hat well. She dyed her hair purple for graduation. I remember signing a table cloth (or maybe it was a sheet) as a going away gift for her when she left for college. She had a good strong laugh and a hilarious sense of humor.

Did was a natural leader in my opinion, and probably the biggest catalyst in bringing me out of my shy shell. She coached me and encouraged me. She put me into roles that I did not think I was ready to handle but because I liked her so much I couldn't say no. And in so doing she helped me realize talents I didn't know I had. She made me her assistant director for "Our Town" and somehow along the way I went from publicity officer to vice-president and I still don't remember how. All I know is that Did graduated and I was left as president. Trying very hard to fill in her shoes. Which as I recall were sandals most of the time. She also wore long skirts and flowy zebra pants - I thought she had the coolest wardrobe of anyone I knew. I even bought long skirts emulating her for a while (bet ya didn't know that was what I was doing did ya) but the look really didn't do much for me, so I went back to my more fitting t-shirts and jeans. She was the first person I ever knew to smoke a strawberry cigarette. She introduced me to imitation crab meat - I love that stuff now. I can still tell you what her living room looked like. I remember hearing her and FW sing for the first time and being dumbstruck by the beauty of it.

I remember meeting Art as she was sitting on the floor before a TAG meeting or perhaps it was a rehearsal. I knew her as Did and FW friend. She had curly hair, and it seemed to do what she wanted it to. My curly hair just frizzed. I had just been introduced to my favorite musical by my sister and had yet to find anyone to recognize it - but she did and she joined me in singing it. I liked her from that moment on. I remember her part in "Our Town" she talked about heliotrope. I remember her from when she and FW lived together. I think Clarence and I or maybe it was just me... visited that apartment only once but it is a memory that stands out in my mind. I remember her being part of band too... but I may be off on that... but I'm pretty sure I'm right. The last time I saw Art was at Clarence's graduation in '97 (yeah I'll get to that in the next chapter too) we saw each other on our way out. It was the first time I had seen her since they had all graduated and I remember thinking - "it's true, we're all grown up now".

FW, Art and Did and several others were the reason Clarence and I became band groupies. We weren't in the marching band or color guard ourselves but we went to many a football game till just after half-time just to see the band play.
We watched them do the best skits at coffee houses, read poetry and coerce us to stage dive at cast parties. They introduced us to little tastes of freedom and responsibility and they gave us motivation to really .... live. Plus,they were the only reason I ever ate at Waffle House.

That's about all I can muster for the night... tomorrow I will get back on track with the story of Clarence and I - but I just couldn't go one without mentioning those three's impact on us.

Friendly Perspective

I am about the begin a series in this here blog - kind of following in Farmwife's footsteps, but what else is new (as you will learn from the series). Her post in her blog about her friends was quite timely to me. As it came the morning after sharing some deep and wonderful reminisces on the phone with Clarence as she sat in the hospital with her son. Some of those reminisces involved Farmwife and the friends she mentioned, Art and Did.

Friends are so important...they really help make you who you are. So I am going to tell you a story. The story of Clarence and I. And in so doing you will see Farmwife, Art and Did's friendship story from a different perspective. I will also be cluing you in on things that are happening now. I just thought it would be neat. I really enjoyed finding out how FW and Did got to be friends because they were already close when I met them, and I always thought Art was as close to FW for as long as Did..... but that shows you what a different perspective does. I enjoyed Inkings descriptions of her and FW too. It's been an interesting read lately. I also wanted to do this before Farmwife disappears from internet land except in small bursts. Her goodbyes have already begun so I better hurry up.

Today we will start with:

Chapter 1: Tales from a hospital room
Thursday night I called Clarence. I couldn't get ahold of her at first so I left a message on her cell phone. A while later she calls back. She sounded tired. "What's wrong", I ask, "I don't hear the usual commotion I usually hear in the background."
"I'm not at home." she says and proceeds to explain the events of the last week and why she has been unable to call me. Apparently an Easter egg hunt went bad for her nearly one year old son, "Chuck". That evening he developed a rash, by the next day he had a fever and she took him to the doctor. Long story short he ended up being admitted to the hospital Tuesday night and treated for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Needless to say Clarence has had a looong, scary and stressful week. Before I go further I will tell you that they were released from the hospital yesterday and "Chuck" seems to be doing much much better and is back to his perky little self. Clarence, however, is completely and understandably worn out. She said she had wanted to call sooner, but that all she had been able to do much of was cry and she didn't want to worry me too until they actually knew what was going on. She had actually been planning to call that day. That's the thing with Clarence and me- we always seem to just know when the other needs a phone call. She called the day after my major wreck a couple of years ago - just feeling like she needed to call, not knowing anything had happened.

After discussing Chuck and how he was doing, we moved on to her daughter, "Wildchild". Wildchild's birthday is next weekend. She will turn 10 years old, I had decided a week ago that I would make that the time that I'd come down to visit my parents and take her out for something special. Wildchild has had a tough year. It's difficult to begin hitting puberty, go from an only child to a big sister, and start trying to figure out where you fit in with your peers all in one year. And I've always felt a special bond with her. She likes to draw, and she's good at it. I want to encourage her all I can. In August she will start 5th grade. Clarence and I can't believe that she is only a school year away from being the same age we were when we met.

We met in Mrs. Harlan's 6th Grade Physical Science class. We also had the same math class that year. Neither of us knew anyone else in the class. We had just moved up from our respective elementary schools to the new world known as junior high. Our elementary school friends were scattered. My best elementary school friend moved away after 5th grade. And both Clarence and I were a little shy. But we both hated Mrs. Harlan's science class. I think we started talking when one of us recognized the other from our other class and shared our disgruntlement for Mrs. Harlan. That started a new and wonderful friendship. We both liked roller skating and would go to the "new" skating rink. I remember the first time we asked her to come over to our house for the day - my mom and her mom chatted for a while on the phone and then before taking Clarence back with us from the skating rink we stopped by her house so the mom's could meet in person. After that we were always at one another's house.

We were friends with the same guy in Math class, he asked me out (we were 12 so "out" didn't mean much) and she shared my secrets and everything - she had a thing for the guy down the street from her, so we commiserated about boys. I knew she was a true friend, when she called me one day - very serious and said "Zann, I just need to tell you that WW called me earlier and asked me out. He's trying to cheat on you. You can do what you want but I felt like I needed to tell you." I stayed with him for a bit not sure whether it was true or not... but when I found out it was, I knew she was a true and loyal friend.

It amazes me what our friendship has gone through over the years. It hasn't been all smooth sailing as no friendship is. We've shared three boyfriends over time. I dated JF during jr. high and then she dated him in high school. She dated Former for about 6 months our freshman year and I started dating him at the beginning of our junior year. I dated Pedro for two weeks our sophomore year and she went on to marry him at the end of our junior year. We've written scathing letters to one another, adopted each other's siblings as our own, and watched as friendships and relationships disolved. It has definitely been an adventure. There have been countless trips to the mall, sleep overs at each others house, she witnessed and laughed as I fell off the bus on my first ride to her house (but that's another story never mind anyway...), we've comforted each other in the loss of grandparents,family members and pets, we've prayed for one another, we've road tripped together, and we've tried new things together.

I remember the year my mother decided that Clarence and I needed a hobby for the summer. My mother was always a bit worried that my creative nature, lack of social skills would get me into serious trouble if I did not find an appropriate outlet. She had visions of me cutting off my left ear, I'm certain. I had participated in a drama club in the last year of junior high, and she highly suggested that I get Clarence and we visit this Teen Acting Group she had read about in the paper. She'd be happy to take us and pick us up, if Clarence's parents were game, and if me and Clarence wanted to. We thought we'd give it a try.

But that my friends will be Chapter two.

thoroughly blessed

Happy Easter! And indeed it was here in the H-home. My sinus infection is close to gone with only a cough remaining, the weather was beautiful up until an hour ago and God has blessed me greatly. I awoke this morning happy. Not particularly well rested, but happy. I went straight to the kitchen and made deviled eggs. We dyed eggs last night with a group of friends, and what better way to celebrate and open tomb than peeling away pretty egg shells. Last year was my first forray into making deviled eggs (one of my holiday favorites) and last year I made the mistake of finding a recipe for them.

Note to self: If you want it to taste like home - better use mama's recipe.

After last year's eggs tasting overwelmingly of mustard, I got the recipe from mom. This year's eggs were much much better. I stuffed them in the fridge. Woke the husband and let the dog out and got ready in my pretty dress for Easter. I do not buy a dress every year. I would like to. I look, but it is often not economical for us plus I never really remember to start looking until the week before hand. But occasionally I luck out. This year I wore a three year old dress. But I rarely wear a dressy dress to church anyway(I work for an hour before our worship service with 15 to 18 in the 3 to 4 year olds...) slacks are a much better option most of the time. And I find playdough comes out of them much easier. So know one notices my lack of new dress. I miss that feeling that Art described though. After decking myself out and one last reminder to DH that he needed to get to the service early today. I was out the door and on to my 3 and 4 year old. It was a special day indeed with them. We had almost all girls this morning. Each in a pretty Easter dress. Each comparing shoes and colors of their dresses. We took them down to a classroom where they had set up an empty tomb and there was a big burly angel standing waiting to greet them. He asked "Are you looking for Jesus?" and most of the little girls were too scared to answer, then he said "don't be afraid, it's okay, come on in, if you are looking for Jesus, he's not here, he's alive!" It was so perfect. I know they didn't realize it but how much they must have experience just the slightest inkling of what it must have been like to be greeted by the real angel at the tomb. We talked greatly on the subject of Jesus being alive. We taught the little ones to say "He's alive!" when we'd ask them "where is Jesus?". When they started to leave we had a bonus treat. One of the moms came back to meet us. Told us how much her little girl enjoys the class. Mr. D the main teacher told the mom that we enjoy having her in our class too and he looked down at the girl and said "you'll have to tell your mommy where Jesus is" and her mom stopped him and said "oh, she already has! She told me He is alive as soon as she came out to me!" How exciting to know that they really are taking something other that crayon colored pictures home with them.

When I came home I was blessed even greater. I recieved an email from a friend I had lost contact with for years, and a sweet email from a friend telling me how much he thought of my husband and myself. It meant so much.

We had no family to visit this year. I will be going home to be with my family for my godchild's birthday at the end of the month and two trips in one month with gas prices the way the are seemed ridiculous and DH's folks were very involved with their church this year... so we just spent a quiet day at home. I made us a small but traditional feast of ham, corn, deviled eggs, and rolls for lunch. And we opened tiny Easter baskets that my mother sent. Then it was outside to enjoy the day. I watched as the dog ran up and down the fence with our neighbor's grandchildren. Got to talk to them about her and they blew bubbles for her to chase. Then after cooling off a bit I took her to the lake for a walk. This was Sasha's first time at a lake. I took her down to the "beach" and let her wade through the water. She didn't like it much. She whined the whole time. It sounded a lot like she was saying "ewww, ewww, ewww". So her beach adventure was short lived and it was back onto the grass and gravel path.

We ended the day by picking up Taco Bell for dinner. We are thinking of making it a family tradition. All though I'm not a big fan of their food. We had a coupon tonight. But we just keep thinking what a fun time we had going through the drive-thru talking about what a great day we had. Plus we wanted to have our leftovers from lunch for lunch tomorrow when we are back at the daily grind at work.

Yo quiero exulto! (my bad spanish for "I want to rejoice!")
:D

Can't keep a good girl down.

I've recovered from my last post. I contemplated it a bit more. Decided it was a couple of years ago - it isn't my job to worry about them anymore (even though I still do) and all I can do is be the best friend I can be to all involved. I have returned to my happy place, much to Jay's relief.

I have not however, returned to my "well" place. Which I sincerely wish that I would. For the past two weeks I've been having upper respiratory trouble. Allergies, I thought. I went on about my daily business - including walking and exercise. Note to self. Even if it is just allergies... you better get a little lax on the work load. I have sent myself into full blown sinus infection and ear infection. I finally went to the doctor today to get the diagnosis and something strong enough knock it out. I'm already feeling better. Last night was the worst of it and what convinced me to go to the doctor. That and my voice of reason aka DH, kept asking me "Are you sure you aren't sick?" Last night I came home from work and finally answered "yes, you are right, I'm sick" and promptly collapsed upon the couch and faded in and out of TLC shows the rest of the night. No enjoying the pretty sunshiny weather for me. Last night was the first night I had a fever with it. Fevers always convince me to go to the doctor. I do not like fevers. Doc says fever was probably from the ear infection.
The good part of this is that I've kind of lost my taste for cola. Perhaps this will help me to quit as I have so often tried to do but have not succeeded. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. But man, I've got a habit when it comes to the soft drinks. It is written on my goals sheet now to at least get it down to one a day. Should be easier during the summer. I tend to crave them (and everything else) more in the winter. Sometimes, I honestly think I was meant to hibernate.

Good Mourning

Yesterday DH and myself went to have dinner with an old friend from college and his new person in his life. A little back story to begin with:

This friend, I will call him George, and I met when he was my Former's roommate. Former and I dated through most of high school and up until our last year in college. He was my first true love. He was my best friend. We thought for years that we would get married. But sometimes God has other plans, and sometimes people make mistakes, and sometimes people grow apart as they grow up and I think all three happened between Former and I. It took years but Former and I were able to salvage a friendship. We had been friends before we had dated, and after exchanges of forgiveness and apologies, and a good many talks and prayers we finally got to a point where we were comfortable with being friends again. We even get together occasionally the three of us: Former, DH and myself for dinner and conversation. I'm constantly amazed at DH's love and understanding with all of that. I'm still close friends with Former's sister too and so we see each other when she's in town as well. I sincerely wish for him to find a good girl who will be good to him and settle down. I was even considering setting him up with someone I work with. I had gotten back to a place where I held him in high regard, and thought he had come back to his senses (because around the time we broke up it seemed he had lost them "sowing his wild oats" I believe my mother called it). But then we had dinner with George last night and I feel a bit heartbroken.

Throughout college Former and I spent time with George and his family on holidays when we couldn't go home to ours. George and Former became really close friends. I spent many nights hanging out with both in their dorm room. And I have many wonderful memories with them. George moved in with his girlfriend right around the time things were beginning to fall apart with Former and I. We really liked Girlfriend too. She was funny and they seemed very happy together. When things fell completely apart George and Girlfriend (who soon became wife) kept up with us both. They'd take me out to cheer me up. They assured me it was okay to move on. Sometimes I wonder how much more they knew than I did. They'd double date with DH and I once we started dating and came to our wedding. Then a couple of years ago they split up. Amicably. It was a joint decision. They had decided that George had other sexual preferences. He called me one day and told me he needed to talk to me. So we met for coffee after work and he told me his decision and that they had separated. It was certainly a blow to my system. But what bothered me more was that I had to pull it out of him. He was afraid I would no longer want to be friends because of my Christian beliefs. I don't believe God works that way, I told him flat out that I didn't agree with the lifestyle and why but that I would never stop caring about him or being his friend. Since then we get together occasionally too. Yesterday we met Boyfriend. It went better than I had anticipated. I had been avoiding it for a while because I didn't really know what God wanted me to do in that situation, but after much prayer I concluded that I am to love boyfriend too, but to continue to make it clear when it is brought up, that I don't approve of the lifestyle. So we went. And we had a lot of fun, and talked a lot. Boyfriend is a great guy. Then George told me he was having drinks with Former for the first time in years. That it had taken him a while to get over the "incident". Incident? I was perplexed he went on to tell me what the incident was and without going into detail I found out that Former had done something more like the what the "bad" Former would do, not like what the "good" Former that I thought had reemerged. George thought I already knew about the "incident", until he saw my shocked expression. I think I felt a little hurt that Former hadn't told me... not like it was something that you would bring up for discussion with your ex even if they are your friend, but still it made me wonder if he never said anything because he feared I would be judgemental. Which I probably would be- I would definately tell him what I thought of the action... but I would never stop loving him or being his friend.

Pondering the whole dinner today just made me terribly depressed. I mourned for the old days. The happy times in their dorm room or at George's parents house before decisions were made, promises broken, and beliefs challenged. But after calling to God in church today - Partially asking him why people walk away & why people betray their friends, partially asking for guidance to be an effective witness to them without pushing them away, partially inquiring if I was being judgmental and asking God to soften my heart if I was and partially seeking comfort from Someone who I know loves them as much as I do - I took comfort in knowing God's in control. Words in the music spoke directly to me to tell me so. I took comfort in DH who at lunch comforted me as I cried into my hamburger and reminded me that I can't solve the world's problems, nor can I save everyone I love from things I perceive as dangerous or wrong. That it simply isn't my job and I have to let go. God truly knew what he was doing in bringing DH into my life. He is my quiet voice of reason. So I will keep a silent vigil for the friends I worry so much about and DH has promised to join me, and we will pray for God's will- and I will rest my worrying head knowing He has it under control. I suppose it is good mourning when it helps you acknowledge how blessed you've been with the people who have been and are part of your life and when it brings you into day long communication with your Father.