It's been a muli-emotional day for me.
I'll blame the hormones.
As I sat in church this morning I cried at everyone's mention of mom's and their rolls.
I miss my mom. I wish she lived closer. I'm happy I have a good mother-in-law who lives semi-close. But still nothing beats your very own mom. And my mom rocks. Let me just tell you. I may not have thought so at one time. But really she does. I really hope to be a lot like her some day.
I remember last year at this time, feeling that terrible longing to be a mom, only to find out two weeks later that I was expecting and then only five weeks after that, that all was lost and I was right back to the longing again. Have I ever mentioned that I can cry on cue? It was always one of my greatest assets when performed in theater. The secret is to be able to recall something particularly painful and relive those memories. Much like it is good to keep a happy thought to focus on if you need to lift your spirits, it is handy to keep a sad thought on hand if you ever want to bring forth real tears on cue. I've had several sad thoughts to refer to over the years, and that quickly became one of them.
But this year I'm well on my way to being a real mom. And I'm scared. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm assured by many that, that is a common feeling and that no one really knows.. we all just do the best we can. It's one of those learn as you go kinda jobs. But I'm one of those people who likes to know what I'm doing. I like to have a plan. I still get completely overwhelmed and want to hyperventilate walking into BabysRUs or Target because of all the stuff and not knowing what's really necessary and what isn't and some of the stuff I don't even know what it does or how it works and soooo many choices and opinions it is mind numbing. But I keep reassuring myself that people with less life experience than me, have done the job and I can do it too. And no matter how much I dread spit up and stomach viruses... if I can clean up after the dog, and still enjoy having her, I can totally do the same with this kid. After all, I already love her enough to worry all the time that something is going to go horribly wrong and I'll lose her. God has gotten a lot of panic prayers from me over this pregnancy.
But I was happy to receive a mother's day hug from my husband this morning (though he swears up and down that it doesn't count until the baby is actually here) and a DQ blizzard. And I'm thankful for every kick that I feel - though there could be more of them to ease my mind, but then she'd probably have to be kicking every 5 minutes or so and then I'd probably be complaining. And I'm thankful that I think we've finally come up with a name for her other than "Bob". But no one gets to know it until after she's born.... we don't need any feedback changing our minds on this after how much it took to reach the decision.
Oh! And a very happy mother's day to all of you. Whether you're a mom to your own or community mom (one who loves on other people's kids).
